These Dark Winter Nights

Winter's chilly, dark nights have brought a little sadness and a little tempest into my heart again. I've been reckoning with anger, insecurity, loss, and fear. But... I am reminded of how Jesus came down to breathe the salty-sea air that harbors my tempest. I am told He breathed this nauseating air so that He could be close to me, so that He could feel what I feel--and worse. He did this for me. He tore the veil of stars, planets, galaxies; of time, space, and matter. He tore that veil so that He could see me--and you.

Christ is Born.

This is the point at which we all throw up our hands and break every promise we ever made.

But promises do still matter, right? I'm not just imagining that?

Scarred, Falling, and Bending

Scarred for all of a lifetime.

Falling unquestionably, perhaps foolishly.

Bending willingly, unwillingly—wishfully, resentfully.

Keep me. Keep me. Keep us.

Fear

I am afraid to turn out the light,
Because I'm afraid of what I'll see
When there's nothing else but the inside of me:
Nothing but a ruined, evil, broken, black and blue, bleeding, dying heart

Be my Light

Aching

There are not enough pictures. There are not enough videos. There are not enough words. Nothing is enough to stop this ache.

I just want him back.

This Hole

Who will care for me like he did? Who will hold me like he did? Who will protect me and look out for me like he did?

NO ONE.

Doesn't God know how much I need a big brother? 

Je Me Hais

Just when I thought something good was about to happen, I realize that no—I really actually am the worst, and I ruin every possible good thing.

Frustrated. Confused. Discouraged. 

What Is The World's Biggest Problem?

  Serious questions often have simple answers. Such is the case with the question posed here--what is the world's biggest problem? If you were to ask a children's Sunday School class, it would not take long for someone to give the correct answer--sin. This we can take further to find that sin afflicts the world particularly through the propagation of lies.  Lies are the problem. Next we ask what the solution is, and we see that truth is the solution. After analyzing mankind's situation, we come to understand that the way to solve this problem and promote the solution is to live lives of truth. Such premises do indeed appear simple, and we could probably have learned them from the lips of our little friends in Sunday School. However, the realities behind these statements are grave and vital if we wish to ever make a difference in our world for the better.



  The specific manner in which sin plagues the world is through lies. No deep digging is necessary to find an example. Take what is perhaps the most crucial issue of our culture today--abortion. At the root of the cold-blooded genocide of the smallest, weakest link in our society is greed and hatred. But, in regards to greed, whatever may be gained by these vile acts is temporary, ephemeral, an illusion, a lie. More frightening is the state of those who are motivated by hatred, for their entire lives are saturated with the lie that evil is good and that somehow it will triumph over the righteousness of Christ. Abortion is just one example, though the reasoning behind it shapes an archetype for the motives of every other sin. Greed, lust, hatred, oppression--all are based on lies that lead to the misery of mankind.



  Truth is the solution we have to offer against the problem of sin. Truth will not make everyone happy--it may not cure diseases, give fathers to orphans, or erase the pain of widows. What it will do is point suffering people to an altogether satisfying knowledge of a loving, magnificent, holy God who cares for the needs of His people. It will make wise the simple, convicting and correcting the sinner who is lost in his destructive ways. This truth is eternal and unchanging and the antidote to the sickness of our hearts. Jesus Christ, the truth of God, is salvation from sin. He is bread and water for starving, depraved souls.



  The noblest, most influential, most difficult goal one can set is to live a life of truth. This includes daily submersion in the Bible as our most reliable source of truth. Search diligently, do not cease to knock, ask again and again, and God will not turn you away empty-handed. The next step is to faithfully and prayerfully apply these teachings to your life. Walk with the truth implanted in your soul. Let the word of God be a motive behind all your actions. Speak truth into others' lives--cut off flattering lips, boldly uphold and defend righteousness, do not be afraid to call out evil for what it is. In these ways I personally strive to solve the world's biggest problem. And when I fail--for I certainly do, repeatedly--the most truthful thing I can do is to trust in the sacrificial blood of Jesus Christ who died to take away my guilt and shame. Such truthful living will shine into a dark, twisted world. God will use that light to set others free from the lies of sin.



  Simple answers are often the most powerful--Jesus did not diminish the precious value of His wisdom when He said that it had been revealed to babes and hidden from the learned. It is our duty and joy to war against sin by seeking out His simple, beautiful truth. He alone can change us into a truthful people. Then, by His gracious and merciful power, He will use us to change the world in which we live, making it not only a better place, but an earth resounding with the infinite glory of our Lord God and Savior.

Poetry Of The Normal

I can't do this. I can't see it. I can't feel it. I can't, I can't, I can't. 

I'm wasting away my life. What am I standing on? What am I even standing for?

I'm lost, empty, and frustrated. I just want to run away...

Maybe I Should Fall In Love...

Sometimes, when I stumble upon someone I could consider falling in love with, I think to myself—

However deep that love might be, still deeper is the love with which God loves us.

However sweet and satisfying that love might be, ever more so are the pleasures of Christ.

And sometimes I conclude—I would rather fall in love with Him. 

So I suppose the right love is one that encourages/leads me to love Him more. 

Here's hoping&praying&longing...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On a side note, I noticed that most of my output into the world is short, pathetic, cheesy jargon strung together by a cord of vain pride and almost-good intentions. My need for sanctification and cleansing through the blood of Christ becomes more apparent everyday.

A Favorite

A Psalm For Life by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

What The Heart Of The Young Man Said To The Psalmist.

Tell me not, in mournful numbers, 

   Life is but an empty dream! 

For the soul is dead that slumbers, 

   And things are not what they seem. 

Life is real! Life is earnest! 

   And the grave is not its goal; 

Dust thou art, to dust returnest, 

   Was not spoken of the soul. 

Not enjoyment, and not sorrow, 

   Is our destined end or way; 

But to act, that each to-morrow 

   Find us farther than to-day. 

Art is long, and Time is fleeting, 

   And our hearts, though stout and brave, 

Still, like muffled drums, are beating 

   Funeral marches to the grave. 

In the world’s broad field of battle, 

   In the bivouac of Life, 

Be not like dumb, driven cattle! 

   Be a hero in the strife! 

Trust no Future, howe’er pleasant! 

   Let the dead Past bury its dead! 

Act,— act in the living Present! 

   Heart within, and God o’erhead! 

Lives of great men all remind us 

   We can make our lives sublime, 

And, departing, leave behind us 

   Footprints on the sands of time; 

Footprints, that perhaps another, 

   Sailing o’er life’s solemn main, 

A forlorn and shipwrecked brother, 

   Seeing, shall take heart again. 

Let us, then, be up and doing, 

   With a heart for any fate.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

feed your soul

Honest Love

What will happen when my heart breaks...again?

Next time my heart will break deeper. Such is life. It may not break in the same way as before, but in a newly excruciating manner. What wounds may have healed over will tear open in a fiery pain that reaches beyond the old. Deeper, wider, fuller. 

Will everything that has broken my heart before never break my heart again?

Everything that has broken my heart before will settle into the cracks it once made—boring down, as water carves away rock. So the stone in my chest dwindles.

Is there anything I can do to keep my heart from breaking?

My heart will break so long as I love anything. But the heart is made for loving. Therefore, my heart can break so long as it is beating. 

Do You See What I See?

       This week in class, I learned that the earth revolves around the sun, which is the center of a solar
 system. Ours is the only system which is constantly on one limb of the ever-turning Milky Way galaxy, one of thousands upon thousands of others in the known universe. I saw the glory of God in the remains of a star which died possibly thousands of years ago--yeah, it's still shining. It was amusing--the funny theories little men have come up with, postulating about causes and reactions, all just guesses at what has been set in the eternal mind of God as effortlessly as the wind would carry a feather. Learning about His creation and genius in stars was intimate and thrilling, just like falling in love--with the pulling of my heart and knot in my throat, without the accompanying fear. Just awe-struck love.

       You know what star is my favorite?


My star. Because it is mine. Because it gave light to the rose in my garden, which grew and grew, that was tamed and tamed. And... "You are responsible...forever...for what you tame." 

Do you see it? Please... Please see it.

Romanticism

Remember when our lives were a fairytale? When joy was just simple, so pure?

I miss that old mindset. I wonder sometimes if it'd be okay to take it back.

Typical Uselessness

Hello, Blogging World.

As it has been while, why don't I go into my usual soppy diary-like entry?

Sound good?

 

Let's get started.

 

  I am pleased to announce that there are now only four days, two hours, and four minutes until the day we can close on our house, and be rid of this tiny little two bedroom apartment for good. That is, if all goes well, Lord willing. After that, it will be a week until the NLE.

 

  Living here has been an emotional roller-coaster of an experience. It started off on a painful foot, as I was assaulted by the flu and then migraines for the first two weeks. It wasn't as hard at first, as you might expect, for us to adjust to the even closer quarters than in our old house. I think it was mainly because we were so happy to be done with all the stress the Fall semester brought with it, and it was relaxing to be able to spend solid time alone together, with nothing much to do, and nowhere really to go.

  Once Christmas vacation was over, David went back to work, I began my new school, and Micah commenced his final semester of high school. And house hunting began in full. It was a battle of the wills--urban vs. country, top-of-the-budget and ready to move into vs. cheap fixer-upper.

 

"I don't like this lay out..."

 

"It's too small!" "Honey, what are you talking about? It's too big!"

 

"You guys...why is there a sink in the children's bedroom?" 

 

I won't recount the whole epic story of how we finally ended up in this house, for the comic tragedy would be much better expressed in person. Next time you see me, I'll tell you the bed-time story.

 

  But, the point is, we finally settled on this one, and we're all (for the most part) happy with it. That happy family feeling has been graciously sustained by the power of God, but there have definitely been moments when everyone hated everyone. We will be happy when privacy--a concept we haven't really been familiar with for a while--is reinstated into our lives. It will be good, for the preservation of sanity at least.

 

  I think I've learned things, though. Recently I've noticed that my priorities are not straight, and I think this time has been a good alignment-agent, or at least a nice catalyst toward that end.

 

 In my battle against pride and a haughty spirit, I confess I have not done well. That has been hard, and many pity-parties have ensued, predictably. Much of my grumpiness and irritability was probably due to this struggle. It feels hopeless sometimes, like my heart of stone is forever unbreakable. God has been graciously hammering, though. Pray He will give me faith--He always prevails, and there is no stone He cannot turn into flesh.

 

  I'm making friends here! Yep, it's true. This week at CC, I told the girls about my dad's experience with FedEx and macaroni cheese powder. I tell everyone that story... One step in the bonding process may now be crossed off. I was even invited to a birthday party for one of the girls! A surprise one, that I won't be able to make it to. I feel a little bad about that... But I think I'll get her a gift anyways.

 

  Oh. My. Stars. You guys? There's this place called the Popcorn Emporium here. Complete with every flavor of popcorn you can imagine. It is beautiful, and... Oh... You just have to see it...

 

  Also coming up is my National Latin Exam/Florida visit/Spring Break! I was happily counting down the days, until I realized that I may as well be counting down the days to my own death by Latin exam. Noooo! *cue frantic studying* There is no end to the panics.

  I'm also... a little bit nervous about what I'll find when I go back. I mean, obviously no one's world was turned upside down by my departure, and I don't expect anyone to be like "delaney, at last!! I haven't breathed since you were gone!!!" Hahahah. That would just be impractical... and a little bit creepy. But part of me is afraid to find that it's actually been better there, and everyone was just relieved to have one less person to worry about. I'm afraid of the fake "We missed you!" and the strained, awkward small talk they'll try to make.

  But, I've decided--that's not how I should look at it. Even if they didn't miss me... I'll still be so happy to seem them again. I'll try not to care for much other than that thought.

 

I'm making progress in my efforts toward self-restraint, y'all. Okay, so if you have to limit yourself to only Facebook stalking someone who isn't even on your friends list to once a week...you have problems. (blarghblarghblargh&some rawrs) But, it's a step in the right direction! I will one day be weaned of this ridiculousness. (...sadly)

 

  Well, I'd better wrap it up. Here's to my first real, long-ish post in a while. I hope it exceeded all your expectations.

 

bye.

 

P.S.--did I mention I'm crazy excited for Spring break with three of my favoritest evers? ^.^ It's almost heeeereee!!!

I Just Want To Climb A Tree.

I'm starting to realize that I will never find anything like the beauty that I have left. But I hope I can come to cherish the new, different beauty that is here.

A Girl Can Dream

Crazy, stupid dreams, but sweet ones nevertheless.

Please enjoy the following selections from the lyrics to Taylor Swift's "Enchanted":

There I was again tonight 

Forcing laughter, faking smiles 

Same old tired lonely place 

Walls of insincerity, 

Shifting eyes and vacancy 

Vanished when I saw your face  

 Your eyes whispered, 

"Have we met?" 

Across the room your silhouette 

Starts to make its way to me 

All I can say is I was enchanted to meet you 

 This night is sparkling, don't you let it go 

I'm wonderstruck, blushing all the way home 

I'll spend forever wondering if you knew 

I was enchanted to meet you 

 The lingering question kept me up 

2 AM, who do you love? 

I wonder 'til I'm wide awake 

And now I'm pacing back and forth 

Wishing you were at my door 

I'd open up and you would say, 

"Hey, 

It was enchanting to meet you, 

All I know is I was enchanted to meet you." 

This night is flawless, don't you let it go 

I'm wonderstruck, dancing around all alone 

I'll spend forever wondering if you knew 

I was enchanted to meet you 

 This is me praying that:

 This was the very first page 

Not where the story line ends 

My thoughts will echo your name 

Until I see you again 

These are the words I held back 

As I was leaving too soon :

I was enchanted to meet you 

 Please don't be in love with someone else...

Please don't have somebody waiting on you... 

 ........................
Bah. Who am I kidding? You were too good to be true. Dreams like this don't ever come to be.

My Proud Heart Needs Prayer

"God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble. Therefore, submit to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you. Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners; and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Lament and mourn and weep! Let your laughter be turned into mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and He will lift you up." -James 4:6-10

I've Never Really Liked The Number 13...

Maybe I'm just grumpy. Maybe it's that I haven't been alone in a while. Maybe all these migraines are just frying my hormones to a grouchy crisp. But I just can't see much of a bright side. I have low expectations for this year. I'll sleep it off and there'll be joy in the morning. I missed being with my friends for the night. That creeping sensation of being forgotten is familiar in my heart. I'm still a little sad. I hate these little times of melodrama in me. The suck, and everyone hates them. So, anyways. Goodnight. Enjoy your awkward numbered year.

Second Annual Reason For The Ribbons Day

  Today was my second annual Reason for the Ribbons Day. Because I believe writing out the full, detailed story behind RfR would most likely do more harm than good, I will simply give this poem.

Ribbons, ribbons

Hide these fresh scars

Heal my heart and take this pain far

 

Far away from a tender mind

Conceal my fears and watch me die

Hold my hand while I wish for peace

Create this illusion of happiness

 

Ribbons, ribbons

You let me down

What you couldn't hide was seen, was found.

 

Ribbons, ribbons

Now remind me

Of everything I've done

What I've survived--where I've gone wrong

 

Seal my fate in the gates of Heaven

Ribbons, in remembrance of

The Hell they pulled me through.

~dated March, 2011

  Will you celebrate this day with me? May I always worship God, who has preserved me though I have been unfaithful.